Thursday, September 27, 2007

Automakers Propose Cutting Emisions in Half by Releasing Only Pure, Clean Carbon-Monoxide

Relative Motors today announced plans to cut carbon emissions in half, by converting dangerous carbon dioxide emissions into harmless carbon monoxide emissions. RM spokesman, Donald Thisbit, told reporters: "Carbon dioxide as we all know is One molecule carbon, TWO molecules oxygen. Today, Relative Motors will cut half the oxygen out of our vehicle emissions. That's half the waste. We feel at RM that carbon monoxide is the gateway to a greener planet and a sustainable future."

Monday, September 24, 2007

Bush Repunctuates Education Law: "No! Child... 'Left Behind'?" Act

A recent review of the "No Child Left Behind" law, enacted by Congress in 2004 and signed into law shortly thereafter by George W. Bush has revealed another startling example of Executive Privilege. A practice begun with Roosevelt, presidents have frequently amended bills upon signing them into law by annotating their own interpretations of the bill's intent. Left undiscovered until now, in part because Mr. Bush did not attach anything to the law but instead punctuated the title:

"NO! Child... 'Left Behind'?"

Scholars and judges have yet to decide what, if anything, should be done following this revelation. Spokesman for the White House, Donald Thisbit, announced to reporters, "This is yet another fine example of a president who has the foresight to follow through on his initiatives."

Pope Announces Revolutionary "Abstinence Only Education"

In a radical move from the Vatican, part-time Archbishop Donald Thisbit told Reuters reporters this morning, "It is time to take a program that has worked effectively for 6,000 years and adapt it to a changing world. 'Abstinence Only' has defeated AIDS; 'Abstinence Only' has cured deformed relationship patterns, and the Vatican today believes that education itself may only need abstinence."

Beginning next week, Catholic schools across the world will begin burning all textbooks which are deemed to present a non-abstinent way of thinking. Speaking of their large biology labs, Sister Angela of the St. Phillipe's Immaculate Wrath school offered, "This news comes as a relief. For too long we've had to teach all of the things that can happen in a biological system. Now, students only need to know what shouldn't happen. High school graduations can start, Pope approving, in the 2nd grade."

Unresolved in this mornings news, however, was the issue of animal abstinence. Confused area children pondered, "Mommy, why is there a chicken/egg debate?"

Sunday, September 9, 2007

Greek God Vows to Avenge Son's Death

Greek god Apollo vowed today to AP reporter, Donald Thisbit, to prosecute Zeus, king of the gods, to the full extent of the law for the unlawful execution of Apollo's son, Asclepius. While the case has been dormant due to a lack of evidence for over 2,500 years, Apollo feels certain he can convince district attorneys to reopen the case as more and more gods seek returns on the unlawful killing(s) of their siblings, spouses, parents and children.

Apollo commented, "All Asclepius aspired to achieve was the reanimation of dead tissue for the immortality of man. Now, all involved in his death must be killed."

Friday, September 7, 2007

Concerns Rise as Expectations Lower

Area residents of Watkins Glen, Arizona today noted increasing concern over their own lowered expectations. Said Donald Thisbit, elementary school teacher of his students, "I just couldn't care less about their education--and that frightens the heck out of me." Wilford Mansfield, owner of the Dapper Dangler grocery store, expressed frustration with plummeting sales: "We've posted record losses every quarter for the past seven quarters, and I couldn't be more concerned about how little I care."

Thursday, September 6, 2007

Pope Announces: "Life Begins at Lust"

Part-time Vice Cardinal at the Vatican, Donald Thisbit, revealed to AP reporters this morning the results of the Pope's revelations on the true point of entry for new souls into the universe. "Lust", he said, "initiates an inter dimensional spiritual phone call, bringing the next new soul to the front of the line in preparation to enter existence." Thisbit also announced the Vatican's new anti-lust research policy, calling psychology a platform of genocide on the largest possible scale.