Friday, May 28, 2004

Public Concern Rises as Treatment of Prisoners Declines

Despite increased attention and criticism from the Press and the United Nations, conditions are worsening for Iraqi detainees. Sources on the ground have indicated that conditions vary from camp to camp; and, while most U.S. military forces fully comply with Geneva Convention regulations and the Law of Land Warfare, certain groups continue to ignore the policies and regulations of the U.S. government. Camp Duke, in particular, has seen a dramatic increase in the number of complaints from detainees. 

An overhead view of the camp reveals with startling clarity the dark underbelly of the military. Crude tents, supplied with air conditioning, shower trailers and toilets sit surrounded by menacing concertina wire and tireless military police guards. Detainees must sometimes travel over 15 feet through the brutal Iraqi heat to use the supplied latrines, but the brutality does not end there.

POW Mahmoud Al Modesto Al Shakir Al Fonzo offered his tragic story to reporters early this morning. Through tears and repeated breaks for cigarettes, Mahmoud revealed the gruesome details; "Praise Allah," he began, "for this will only strengthen the will of the resistance, and soon the American infidels will die like pigs." Mahmoud was well dressed, freshly shaved and shivering as he spoke, "You must understand the horror, the terror. They forced me to do things, terrible things. Unspeakable things. The first day I was here, they made me shower." He paused to pull his robe down over his right arm, "Do you see this arm? I had not bathed this arm since I was five years old when I accidentally fell in a swimming pool. Allah blessed my unwashed body, and now it's broken." The showering lasted weeks, according to Mahmoud. "Every day, they forced me into the trailer. At first, I tried to maintain some dignity. I didn't touch the soap or shampoo; but the American bastards wouldn't even allow me spiritual right to bathe only in the grace of Allah."

SPC Donald Thisbit offered his unique perspective on the continuing abuse. "As an interrogator, I knew I needed to up the ante if I wanted to get results. If I get a tough cookie, some Muqtada militia member that wants to play games, I go straight for the toothpaste. After a few consecutive brushings, I'll pull out the floss. I once broke a man in three and a half minutes, a Camp record." SPC Thisbit is not alone in his approach to interrogation; others take his techniques and add their own sadistic variations, like the mandatory use of toilet paper, manicures, pedicures, weekly laundry runs and other tactics. "It's about pushing them into that zone of weakness, which forces them to confront their inner demons. We assert our positive control, and they start spilling the names, phone numbers and addresses. And, to be honest, I like the feeling of power," Thisbit told reporters.

Once a modest detention facility filled with quiet prisoners, the prison at Camp Duke has become a veritable concentration camp, filled with grown men, crying like babies as soldiers trim their fingernails and wash behind their ears. The sound of wailing can be heard over the roar of the helicopter rotors, which signal the arrival of more detainees. Camp authorities had no comment on their policies, though the soldiers directly involved in the holocaust-like activities often exhibited pride and zeal for their work.
--Los Angeles Times

Saturday, May 15, 2004

Local News

HEADLINES: Mullis Sightings in Hong-Kong Continue (page 7)

HEADLINES: Canadian Mounties Make Progress in Securing Baghdad (page 9)

Canadian officials announced early this morning that the first mission of their recent deployed Mounties was a complete success. Arnold Phlankaster told Press this morning, "Our Mounties arrived, secured their objective, and are now in positive control of Baghdad proper." Surprisingly, with no casualties on either side...

HEADLINES: Area Man Declares World Peace (page 1)

ENTERTAINMENT: Die Hard--With a Mullis.

COVER STORY: Army Introduces Revolutionary "Train-As-We-Fight" Program

Unveiled during a recent raid conducted by 2ACR troops in the An Najaf area of Iraq, Regimental Commander Harold Zimms announced, "Prior to this event, we have trained as we fight; but henceforth, we will train AS we fight." SPC Donald Thisbit commented, "It sounded a little complicated at first, but after the first few minutes it becomes second nature. During last night's raid, I completed two correspondance courses and my yearly Equal Opportunity training. To top it off, we captured a key Sadr leiutenant." Zimms revealed a complex program to Press members detailing a variety of options for soldiers, including advanced computer-based training, basic soldier training, benefits and legal advice, as well as numerous other courses. "We must maximize our time on the ground. We should not only kill the enemy but edify our soldiers' minds as we do it."

SGT Rudolph Humphrey told a different story; however, as he described his experience in last night's raid. "Yeah, they say you get to choose; but I got stuck with Trigonometry during the heat of the battle. Between solving for "x" and trying to hog tie our captive, I forgot to take the absolute value of "y"...and let's just say I don't think the results are entirely my fault. I'd like a retest on our next raid, but I just know they'll give me ancient chinese history instead."

--Associated Press

Sunday, May 9, 2004

Local News

HEADLINES (Politics): Bush pledges to change the way things is. (Page 3)
“We have a duty to reform. In fact, I promise to reform the process of reform. More than that, if re-elected, I promise to change the way things were happening. Furthermore…”

HEADLINES (Science): BREAKING: Chicken confesses, “I came first.” (Page 7)

HEADLINES (Law): BREAKING: Egg sues chicken for slander. (Page 9)

COVER STORY: Canadian Mounties Affirm: “We Always Get Our Enemy (AKA Those Who Have Been Liberated).”

In response to the rising tolls on American soldiers, Canada stepped forward this morning to pledge support for the war effort. State spokesman, Donald Thisbit announced to the Press, “We are committed to providing support for the liberation of Iraq. While we have no real army or assets to send, we have organized over 1,000 Canadian Mounties to send into the heat of battle.” While Thisbit declined to reveal the specifics of the operation, he did suggest that the Mounties would have a unique advantage against Improvised Explosive Devices.

Career Mountie, Harold Zimm told Press members, “Once the little vermin see the might and glory of the Canadian empire, riding across the rolling plains, through the trees and across the mountain tops in pursuit of victory, they'll crumble.” After being told that Iraq was mostly desert wasteland, void of trees and mountains, Zimm continued, “We'll fill up the dirty glass of Justice from the Udders of Victory and serve it warm.”