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HEADLINES (Politics): Bush pledges to change the way things is. (Page 3)
“We have a duty to reform. In fact, I promise to reform the process of reform. More than that, if re-elected, I promise to change the way things were happening. Furthermore…”

HEADLINES (Science): BREAKING: Chicken confesses, “I came first.” (Page 7)

HEADLINES (Law): BREAKING: Egg sues chicken for slander. (Page 9)

COVER STORY: Canadian Mounties Affirm: “We Always Get Our Enemy (AKA Those Who Have Been Liberated).”

In response to the rising tolls on American soldiers, Canada stepped forward this morning to pledge support for the war effort. State spokesman, Donald Thisbit announced to the Press, “We are committed to providing support for the liberation of Iraq. While we have no real army or assets to send, we have organized over 1,000 Canadian Mounties to send into the heat of battle.” While Thisbit declined to reveal the specifics of the operation, he did suggest that the Mounties would have a unique advantage against Improvised Explosive Devices.

Career Mountie, Harold Zimm told Press members, “Once the little vermin see the might and glory of the Canadian empire, riding across the rolling plains, through the trees and across the mountain tops in pursuit of victory, they'll crumble.” After being told that Iraq was mostly desert wasteland, void of trees and mountains, Zimm continued, “We'll fill up the dirty glass of Justice from the Udders of Victory and serve it warm.”

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